Flirting, dating & choosing

Crush: I think I'm going to throw up. In a good way. No, not good. Oh my God. Oh my God, I just said 'Oh my God'. I'm so happy I could SING it from the rooftops. But that would be weird. But I don't CARE. Maybe we can have babies on our third date, that would be good.

Lust: 'How do you do? Would you care to do me, for instance?'

We'll look at all aspects of dating, falling in love, deciding whether to commit and who to. This chapter is for all of us, so bear with me if you're a bit of a giant lesbian and I say 'he' now and then. It's not a personal insult, I promise there's plenty for you here as well. Now put down that lady and read on.

Getting love right

You think you've found the man or woman you want to settle down with, but are you sure? How can you make sure that your fights aren't terminal? Should you move in together? How can you discuss things without getting shouty? How do you get him to propose? And how can you be sure you're getting married for the right reasons?

It's easy to 'drift' into something that looks like a partnership or commitment because you've been together or lived together for ages. What does a really good relationship look and feel like? (Hint: There are no glass slippers involved.)

Happily single

There's nothing more tempting to a member of the Annoying Association of Unsolicited Advisors (AAUA) than the presence of a single woman. The Single Woman is a beacon. Clearly her very existence means she must want public attention brought to her situation, she must be peppered with questions and advised on what she's doing 'wrong' and how to end the frightful tyranny of singledom through modifying her behaviour, standards, grooming, attitude, personal philosophy, priorities, wardrobe, eating habits and anything else they can get a hook into. In fact, for lots of women, being single is an enjoyable interlude or a lifestyle choice. Others struggle. Here's why.

When love goes wrong

What would the pop song industry be without the 'He Done Me Wrong' song? Not to mention the 'Whoops, I Picked the Wrong One' ditty; the instrumental version (with strings) of 'My Heart Is Like Your Baggage Carousel'; the reggae-tinged dance-floor staple 'The Cheatin' Lyin' Bastardy Bastard Head, the Bastard'; the 'How Do I Get Through the Heartbreak Without Doing Snotty Sobbing in Public' tune; the worldwide radio hit 'I Cheated on You Because I Was Drunk on Cough Medicine'; the kd lang infl uenced 'She Left Me at a Truck Stop on a Bicycle With No Bell'; and the award-winning country classic 'I'm Not Sure What Happened and It's Not His Fault or Anything, but It Just Didn't Seem It Was Going to Work Out, but I Couldn't Quite Decide What to Do About It, if Anything'? This chapter tells you how to recognise a bad relationship, what to do about it, and how to deal with break-ups and get over heartbreak.

How to escape control & abuse

This chapter will help you recognise when you're heading towards a controlling relationship, or, whoops, you're already in an abusive or otherwise dangerous and unhealthy relationship; how to manage your situation; how to make a plan to get out; why you need to protect your children even if they're 'only' witnessing it or you think they don't know something's wrong (they do), and info on how to build a new life and get your self-esteem back. There's also stuff here on where to get help if you've been abused, attacked or stalked by an acquaintance, relative, partner, boyfriend or stranger.

Sex

Phwooooaarr, vicar. Ooh la la, French ticklers, show us yer knickers and how about a bit of slap and tickle, leg-over, rumpy pumpy, funky chicken, do come in, I wasn't expecting you, that's quite a moustache, do you like my welcome mat, I've come over all hot and bothered, you give me fever, I'm feeling hot hot hot, who let the dogs out, would you care to entertain the back-door man, little red rooster, assume the position of honeydripper, chat with Mrs Slocombe, facilitate a frolic with Fanny, endeavour to obscure the geographical whereabouts of the sausage, nookiewise? How about a ride, a right seeing to, never seen one as big as that before, meet your good rockin' Daddy, Long John, boffity bonk, manufacturing a degree of whoopee, shagadelic, do you do me, you trouser-rummaging, horizontal folk-dancing, muffin-tasting fool around the boom boom, voulez-vous coucher avec whoever turns up ce soir or indeed alternatively you could come over rather jiggy-jiggy?

Or not. Entirely up to you.

loading