Clothes

I love design, and fabrics, and lots of things about clothes. But I'm not so sure about Fashion. Partly because it seems to be run by people who lie about what size their garments are (and why they're hemmed with fishing line that unravels). And partly because some of the designers, magazine writers and models can be so crazy-ape bonkers from hunger and boredom that if you asked them for a piece of steamed hat elastic they'd think it was an entrée, and if you passed them a pineapple they'd put it on their head and shriek, 'Divine!'

All you really need to know about clothes is here. How can you transform an outfit from dowdy to splendid? How do you know what suits you? Why are the clothes size labels crazy? Which clothes look good on curvy women? Which clothes help you pretend you have curves? How do you get cheaper ones, cull a wardrobe, choose shoes? Is it okay to break the fashion rules? (I'll say it is.) How do you spot when a boutique sales assistant is lying (other than the fact that she's speaking)? There's a big difference between a smokin' hot outfit and somebody's pants on fire.

Hair

Who are those hair models in the shampoo ads, with their shiny shiny hair that they shake at us, as they undulate in slow motion, and what are they on? 'I am luxuriating in my hair, my beautiful hair, waggling my head slightly so my hair jounces and bounces, and waggles and weaves. I am all about the hair. OMG, MY HAIR! I'm worth it and I look like I just stepped out of the salon! Look, if I bend over sideways it's a waterfall of fabulousness. All right, it's not really all my hair, it's extensions, sprayed with a reflective oil and enhanced by computer special effects. But I shall waggle it again.'

This chapter's all about what you can believe in shampoo and conditioner ads, whether organic makes any difference, which ingredients might be dangerous, what to do about hair loss, eyebrow topiary, the lowdown (and brush up) on body-hair removal and which methods can get you into trouble, and the implications of a decision to deforest your map of Tassie.

Skin

This chapter's about skin health in general, how to look after it, what to do when something goes wrong, including common complaints like pimples, rosacea and eczema, some stuff about sunscreen and sun damage, fake tans, stretch marks, sweating and, more hilariously, the mythical condition of 'cellulite' (snonk!). If you're looking for info on 'anti-ageing' creams (excuse me while I say 'ha!') and whether to believe the outlandish promises made in cosmetics ads ('ha ha ha!'), head on over to Chapter 7, 'Cosmetics & Make-up', which is next.

Just over two-thirds of nearly 5000 women who answered the relevant question in the Women's Stuff Survey said they had some sort of skin problem. For some of us, there's not much downtime with skin. It's pimples akimbo until it's wrinkles ahoy and, if you're really lucky, both at the same time – in other words, pimples on wrinkles, for which I hereby invent a name: prinkles.

Cosmetics & make-up

Millions of women around the world are still paying waaaay over the odds for moisturisers and make-up with the same ingredients as the supermarket brands, or for stuff that's unproven or just tarted up with labels promising organic goodies or sciencey-sounding miracles. We pay for class, we pay for prestige, we pay for hope. We pay just in case. And we pay, my sisters, in vain. Let me tell you why. They're not called anti-ageing creams because that's what they do. They're called anti-ageing creams because that's what we want.

In this chapter we'll look at the claims made for cosmetics and make-up, why we're told such stinking glamorous lies, and the products you can have faith in. There's info on all the make-up products you need or don't need, animal testing, why the mascara models look like their eyelashes are thicker than a dustpan brush, and why lipsticks cost a fortune but aren't poisonous.

Cosmetic surgery & procedures

Our foremothers had to dig frozen turnips out of the ground with bits of tin as a nice change from starving to death, and when their teeth fell out all of a clatter there was nothing to replace them with; they had hairy legs and flapping dangly bosoms, no soap or underpants or conditioner, and they died in their 40s without ever hearing the word moisturiser. We've got the best health and the most opportunities of any generation ever, more fun, more art and music and books, and more time to spend with family and friends. And yet we're mopey and miserable and staring into mirrors, worrying about armpit fat or how neat our vulva looks, comparing ourselves to altered pictures of pretend people, and paying strangers to inject us with toxins, and cut and hoist up our facial skin for no guaranteed result. Huh?

In this chapter we'll look at both cosmetic surgery (operations) and procedures involving injections, lasers and other methods, with a special bonus section on butt-hole bleaching (ha ha ha for about 15 minutes, after which I shall be requiring oxygen from a tank, thank yor).

Looking older

Even women in their 20s are worrying about the 'signs of ageing', convinced they need miracle creams and Botox. Which means if we don't all get a grip, we're going to spend our WHOLE lives worrying about our appearance and hating ourselves, whether we're in the dewy bud of emerging youth, the rose of flourishing womanhood, or the slightly droopy yet noble, blowsy, tenacious, ruggedly handsome metaphor that has frankly stopped working for me.

It's time to judge ourselves by more realistic measures. This chapter's a round-up of what to expect from our face and body from our 20s to our 80s, how to come to terms with it and feel positive about ageing, and a beehive of info about the grey hair issue: to dye or not to dye? And, when finding the first grey pubic hair: to shriek or not to shriek?

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